I am trying to remember when it happened, when the light turned on, when something clicked in my brain and I realized I don’t believe there’s a God. As is true with many others, my journey out of religion (specifically Christianity) was a gradual process over time.
But there was one moment that sticks out in my mind, a conversation with my husband Matt. Bear in mind, this conversation came up after months of discussing the existence of God. We were standing in the kitchen after our two young sons had been put to bed. As we talked I remember being so fearful to ask questions and push myself to wonder if God and hell might be conjured up by men.
A bit of the conversation:
Matt “I don’t think there is a God and I don’t think there is a hell”.
Me “Do you feel scared that you might be wrong?”
Matt “If I am wrong, I just sort of want to stick it to the man, you know? Hell is such a bad idea, to get sent there because you don’t believe in something/someone when real evidence is lacking… that’s stupid and a bad design. Why be so sneaky?
He was right, WHY be so sneaky? Why not clearly reveal yourself to the world? Why utilize an ancient text and the holy spirit, both of which can very easily be manufactured by men? You’re God! You’re supposed to be all powerful and all knowing.
And why is hell such a bad design? To allow (and thereby send) someone to burn in hell for eternity for not believing is entirely unreasonable and absurd when a child abuser can ask forgiveness, profess belief in God, escape the fires of hell and proceed to heaven after death.
Needless to say, the token theistic phrase “God works in mysterious ways” was just not doing it for me anymore. His apparent mysteries were seeming more and more like a distraction from truth and a bad excuse to believe. Yes, I was still scared and fearful of hell as I pondered all these questions. But this was the first time that I was allowing myself to truly question my faith and my fears.
I justified my questioning by telling myself that a good God would want me to use my God-given brain. As if there needs to be a justification for asking questions… Thankfully, 1-1/2 years after this conversation, I feel free to ask whatever questions I like.
I hope to share many more glimpses of my journey on this new road I find myself on. Welcome to Life Sans God, I’m glad you’re here!